I've been doing well since my last blog post. I'm applying for jobs, figuring out the next step, reconnecting with my parents, seeing friends, and planning a church service I'm giving next month. I'm over the worst of re-entry and my "cultural awareness" has dimmed down a bit. One thing that's been challenging for me though is the lack of constant Christian support that I got so used to during my time in missions. Fellowship is so key. Who knew? I actually broke down and cried while talking to a South African friend about this very thing. Since then I've been making an effort to call a Jesus-loving friend daily. It's made a significant difference in my emotional and spiritual well-being!
Still, I've felt distant from God these past couple weeks. I've been fairly disciplined in having quiet times first thing in the morning. I talk to God and read the Bible, but every time I ask God to speak to me, I feel like I'm just wasting my time. I'm not hearing anything. I haven't had that "ooh, that was so God" feeling - a feeling which frequented my quiet times in South Africa and Brazil. There are a number of things I'm asking God about lately, and have felt no response. To say that I've heard nothing isn't absolutely true, though. The other day I asked God to speak to me. I closed my eyes and waited for what couldn't have been more than a minute and a half. Just as I was about to give up, something inside me said, "How long are you willing to wait?" I knew it was true - even though I put God "first" in my day, the temptation of breakfast and checking my email often rushes me. I haven't properly waited on God for a long time - I would say, since leaving South Africa.
So today I decided to wait on God. I said, "God, I am willing to wait as long as it takes." I've been struggling to know where to live and work for the upcoming summer season. I could go to the Maritimes(east coast of the country for all you non-Canadians) or to the Yukon(northern Canada), or could stay put in good ol' Huron County(not my optimal choice). But I know deep down in my heart that God knows best. So I asked God for some direction. I waited - and waited - and eventually, through a conversation about working at a Subway restaurant, God revealed something huge to me: I am full of pride! Ha - I practically 'pride' myself in being humble! On my first trip into town a couple weeks ago I noticed a "Help Wanted" sign on the Subway restaurant. I thought, "Hmm, interesting, help wanted in a recession... Subway is the LAST place I'd want to work..." To be honest, the thought of working there has crossed my mind a few times in the last week, followed closely by "I would NOT work there. I'd be embarrassed. What would people think?" The truth, friends, as yucky as it sounds - I think I'm too good to work at Subway. God asked me today if I would work at Subway if He asked me to. And I realized that I have to give up my rights to a "good job" and care more about what God thinks than about what people think.
It was a hard Word to accept, but on the other hand, I was just so happy to have had that contact with God. There really is nothing like closeness with the Father. I want to encourage any of you who are feeling far from God to really put your all into your time spent with Him. Because He is faithful to answer. It's a promise - "Ask and you shall receive; seek and you will find."
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5 comments:
woah lindsay...I am full of pride too... I need to pray
You know, I bet that being proud of one's humility isn't actually that uncommon. It's a major paradox, but it's also an easy trap to fall in to, in my opinion. Charles (Doubrough) once asked me if I'd be willing to co-author a book with him: "Perfect humility and how I attained it"
I worked at Subway for a year, and I actually enjoyed it. There's a lot of employee turnover, and the rush periods at meals can be brutal, but it certainly is a service that you provide for people... maybe you'd learn a valuable lesson from the experience.
Hey Lindsay..thanks so much for commenting on my blog! Now that I have your blog address I will try to comment more on here for you! I know what is like to not know if anyone is reading your blog!
Thanks so much for sharing this post, it was such an encouragement to read. I will be praying for you regarding a job! I know God will provide the best job He has for you! Keep trusting Him and listening!
Love you very much and miss you lots!!
Kristy
PS - Subway is where I met Bob...not such a bad place!! So you never know what God has in store for you!!! Wink, wink, nudge, nudge!! ;-) LOL
I'm not sure if you know about being able to subscribe to radio podcasts on the CBC website? There's a show called Tapestry about spirituality. I mention it because on the Mar. 8 program there's an interview with Anne Lamott about her faith and how she came to Christianity. She's also a writer & I read a book on writing while I was in highschool. Thought you might find the interview interesting.
I think the first response here is right - not to focus on yourself (if you are doing good, if you are debasing yourself, if a "bad" job is not so bad for you afterall), but to redirect outward (to God, to the world, to others). It's hard. Always. (And all we can do is keep trying.)
Em
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